Im a Big Kid Now?

Maturity.

I remember the first time I heard that word. I was in the fifth grade and my report card had just arrived. In the comments section my teacher mentioned that I was extremely “mature”.  Being that English was a relatively new language for me, seriously, I didn’t even know what the word cucumber meant until I was about ten, I asked my parents what it meant. They tried to explain it to me, but um yah...I still didn’t get it. The older I got, the more I would I heard this word thrown around.

Mature. Mature. Mature.  

For years I hid behind this word. My extreme “maturity” became my blanket. It allowed me to hide from the world. I didn’t need to give in to social pressure; I was too mature for that. I didn’t need to have fun; I was too mature for that. I didn’t need to put aside the wishes and embrace my own thoughts and ideas about the world; I was too mature for that.

My friends, family, and teachers all admired me for my maturity and yet I still didn’t know what the word truly meant. I thought perhaps maturity was just a lack of immaturity and all I knew was that I would never want to be immature.

And then I got sick of it. Living your life for others can be pretty tiring. I got tired of the same redundant, tedious actions and so I embraced what many people considered immaturity. I thought for myself, did what I wanted, and generally stopped thinking about the consequences. If I was passionate about something, whether or not it made sense to anyone else, I pursued it. I mean, think about it, imagine an obese, yes I was clinically obese, person telling you they want to become a dietician in a top hospital one day. Wouldn’t you laugh? People did laugh. They told me to go for something that would suit me better, something that didn’t seem to contradict my very essence.  

Imagine if I had listened to them…imagine if I had squashed my thoughts, my passion, my drive.

And the pattern continued. I remember finding out all the Chem classes that I would have to take. The high GPA I would have to maintain to even get into a program. The competition I would have to face.  

I remember my first semester in school. I got into the lowest math class possible. Arithmetic. I was sitting in a class with people who didn’t even know basic math. I aint talking about my good friends cos, sin, and tan. I’m talking about long division. Seriously, long division is the bane of my existence. But I passed. I moved on. After all those years of getting by without learning math, I finally dealt with it. I remember finishing my last math class and someone told me, “Honestly, I never thought you could do it. I thought you would for sure give up at some point, become a secretary in one of these Jewish firms and get married to the first guy that came along”. Well I guess that didn’t happen, did it? J

So what does all this have to do with maturity? Savlanut Motek, savlanut.

I’ve been in school for three years now. Three tough years. I’m talking physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I went against a lot of people’s opinions.  I did what I wanted and I’ve never been happier Baruch Hashem. Life hasn’t gotten easier, but I’ve gotten more capable of dealing with it. I have become more mature.

I have learned that in life sometimes it’s okay not to be okay.  Maturity isn’t a certain type of behavior or a lack of immaturity. Maturity is defined by self-awareness. Maturity is knowing who you are, what you stand for, and why you stand for it. Maturity is knowing how your past relates to your future without allowing your past to define your future. Maturity means forgiving but not necessarily forgetting. Maturity means that you can accept and understand all your emotions and qualities, whether positive or negative, embrace them equally and channel them all towards self growth and awareness. Maturity does not mean never getting angry, it means knowing when to be passionate and when to let go.

Maturity doesn’t mean hiding behind your problems like everything is okay, like you are invincible, it means facing your problems head on and understanding what your buttons are and why they are there.

There are times where we all act like a petulant child. Sometimes we need it. Sometimes it is just a defense mechanism because we can’t cope with the pain and reality of what just hit us. Sometimes maturity is understanding at times that it’s okay to act immature, to revert into a passive aggressive role in order to heal as long as it is not a permanent role.

How do you define maturity? Comment below :)

Ouch.

 "בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך מוליכין אותו"

"B'derech she'adam rotzeh leilech molichin oto"

Whatever path you choose in order to fulfill Torah requirements, no matter how misguided, G-d assists you.

So this morning I want to take care of something I have been avoiding for a long time. It’s going to be difficult and possibly painful for not only me but all other parties involved, however there is an injustice going on and I do not intend to just stand and watch it. I honestly think I am probably the only person who can change the situation but without the cooperation of others involved it will much harder to get this issue resolved.

This post is basically a prayer to Hashem.

It’s a prayer that Hashem will put exactly the right words in my mouth, the wisdom to know what details to fight about and also when to keep my mouth shut. I just hope the situation hasn’t fallen apart to the point where the pieces can’t be put back together. I also pray that no one thinks that I’m doing this for any personal reason. Actually, I do have a personal reason involved. I’m doing this for the sake of my sanity. I have already lost countless nights of sleep over this issue and if I ever want to get any good REM sleep ever again I gotta know that I did all that I can. Oh, and for my psych majors, there is some major cognitive dissonance going on here as well.

So by now you are probably dying of curiosity to know what is 

going on. I doubt any of the people involved read my blog but I am still hesitant to violate their privacy though I think everyone, including myself would have a lot to learn from this story. I cant tell you my story, but you can tell me yours. Here is the lesson I learned, see if you can relate or create your own story or situation.

Sometimes in our lives there are people we cannot understand. They are different. They may look different, speak differently, have different societal norms, have a lower IQ, be psychologically or emotionally disturbed, etc. I always thought of myself as a tolerant person. I always thought “Oh, you’re not like me? You say you are different? Don’t worry, we can still work together!” Don’t get me wrong this still holds true. It is just that I never realized that I had a prerequisite for someone to be on the receiving end of my tolerant behavior. In order for me to treat you the same as anyone else, you need to consciously be aware of the fact that you are different.

Yah, I know, I’m a horrible person. Trust me, it took me a while to come to this conclusion but I think now that I’m aware of the more subconscious decisions I make, I can hopefully fix this in myself. I have some theories on why I and other people might behave like this, but I’ll save those for later. Now the only way I feel like I can fix this is by making this person’s life a little easier. I need fix the way people treat this person by setting a personal example. Trust me this aint going to be easy. Some people are difficult to tolerate and I have got to be careful that I don’t get abused or taken advantage of either. All I know is that this is why I’m here. This is why I’m involved in this situation. Because I am the one who can fix it.

"Whatever path you choose in order to fulfill Torah requirements, no matter how misguided, G-d assists you."

Hashem, this is my path. Guide me. 

Shidduch priorities

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVHQhTb9_q0

Just saw this video and all it did was make me laugh. Yes, there is a shidduch crisis but it aint the age gap thats a problem. Its the "height/financial/weight/not blonde enough" gap that seems to be the problem. Its our attitudes which need fine tuning, not the age of the people we seek. Yes, I think age is a factor, but would you really turn down an awesome guy because he is one year older than your "cutoff age"? Probably not. Would you turn him down because of his receding hairline? 


Hmmmmm, G-d bless that fifth amendment. 


Priorities. 

La Tortura

So its 3 AM. The world is stealing an hour from me with this whole Daylight Savings business. Argh…I usually can’t fall asleep until 3:30 on Saturday nights. Guess its gonna have to be 4:30 tonight. I should be doing my history homework right now but I’m in one of my A.D.D./ Schitzo moods right now. Don’t worry peeps, I haven’t actually been diagnosed with those illnesses, it’s just that my habit of talking out loud to myself is considered “abnormal” by some people. Oh well, guess I’m going to just keep drinking my chai and ranting at the world. So, for all those who have somehow, miraculously, managed to follow my completely distorted chain of thought, let us get to the topic at hand. The topic for tonight is “Love & Marriage”.

*BLEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*

EW. I know. If you are a single girl and you have been out of high school for three years or more, I probably just triggered your gag reflex and for that I humbly offer my sincerest apologies. For those of you 18 and under, get outta here now. Go back to the BYLA rooftop looking for YGLA and enjoy your naivety.

Uch. I do not have a good feeling about this but here it goes. Ok, so here is that deep dark secret I don’t tell many people. I don’t believe in love.

J.D. I just totally heard your gasp ;)

Let me clarify. I do believe in the concept of love, but I don’t believe in love before marriage. When you first meet someone you might feel a connection, extreme liking, infatuation, lust, etc. Saying you love someone after a couple of weeks or even after a year just strikes me as weird. You can just imagine how I feel about “love at first sight” (double blech). I don’t know what love is but I would hope that it’s not something that every person in the world can experience just like that. Love is valuable. It must be earned. I hope one day I’ll be able to experience it but until then I’m perfectly content just making fun of those who are trapped in its clutches.

Yah I know. I’m totally unromantic. Deal with it. Many of you might be thinking, “Well of course she doesn’t understand love. She’s never been in love!”. Well guess what, your point is totally valid. No, thank G-d I have never been in love. They say “Love is blind”, and I’m too young to lose my eyesight!

Honestly, I’m 21. I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. I have been told many times that I’m not being a good Jewish girl going after an education and all. Apparently it would be far better for me to sit around at some boring but “Kosher” job so some old yenta can marry me off to her grandson. Apparently I’m not being “aggressive” enough when it comes to the dating world. Apparently times have changed, there is a shidduch crisis and if I want to get married I gotta whittle down to a size 2 and take out some loans so my dear husband won’t have to worry about the bills.  "Shidduch crisis" my butt.  Yes, times have changed but one thing that hasn’t changed is the presence of Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d). When it’s time Hashem gives it to you. Don't tell me someone else is gonna steal my guy. If she marries him then he was never mine. I hate shadcahnim who try to turn you into some sort of Bais Yaakov prototype. I am who I am and I want to meet someone who is truly honest about who he is.

Ok, the last paragraph was about 5 different rants. For anyone who might still be reading this please excuse my rambling. I know nothing. Don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait to fall in love. I just want it to happen in the most perfect way possible. I don’t want it to be when he’s wooing me. That’s just way too typical. I hope it just happens gradually and one day, ten years into my marriage I’m folding laundry and I’ll realize I’ve never been happier in my life.  Ooops, maybe I’m a romantic after all ;)

Comments? Feel free to express yourself below. I love being proven wrong!

For student's eyes only! ;)

So, I’m taking an online class which obviously requires you to take your exams online, but gives you a full week to do so. In this specific class you can use your book and open the test and save your answers as many times as you like until you submit the exam at the end of the week.  Being the good, “responsible” student that I am, I decided not procrastinate and started the test on Monday even though it wasn’t due until Sunday. I did about half and decided to leave the rest for this morning keeping in mind I had until Sunday to keep looking over it. This morning, Wednesday, I go to finish the exam and see its missing! Not only have my answers disappeared, but the exam has been switched. There are completely new questions, including the essay questions I had worked so hard on preparing answers for. Immediately I email my teacher explain the situation and she tells me that she never posted the exam until this morning even though she had planned to post it on Monday. Basically I realized that since my teacher is ahem, lazy, technologically challenged, she was using the same website from the previous semester and had forgotten to deactivate the link for the previous test.  Honestly, I was annoyed as I had wasted a lot of time taking the wrong test. I felt like I was being punished for being a good student. If I had procrastinated like everyone else in my class, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. Eventually, like most things, I got over it.

Please keep in mind I have been in this class for three weeks and the teacher just posted up the syllabus YESTERDAY. She also posted up the wrong book on her website which many people went out and bought so now her homework and readings are inconsistent. Oh did I mention she sends daily emails that say if we don’t do our homework we are going to get dropped from her class? What is this? Kindergarten?

 I take online classes because my anti-social self avoids social interaction as much as possible, especially in regards to Ghetto community college GE classes. Being the snob that I am I just don’t want to listen to a teacher who is ranting on and on about her love for pecan pie, Bob the Builder, or snail mucus. I want to do my work, learn the material, and get my grade. I expect myself to be FOCUSED and on top of my work. I truly believe that you get what you give. I don’t use the excuse that “Oh, I’m a girl, I don’t need an education, I can just marry a rich guy”, “Oh, I never really got a good high school education so how can I just jump into college”, “I’m going to have to take classes I really hate and I won’t be able to succeed in those subjects so what’s the point anyways”,  “I’m going to sacrifice my social life to do well, people are going to think I’m a nerd”. Trust me, I have heard a lot of theses excuses before, and many much more creative ones. In the end of the day you have to do what is right for you. I do agree with the viewpoint that college is not for everyone, and from a religious standpoint I can see how damaging it can be. But in the end of the day, here I am, waiting to learn, willing to EARN my A.

They say, “Ask, and you shall receive”. Well I’m here to say “Na’aaaaaaaaah, LIEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS”. I’m asking for an education and what am I receiving? Overcrowded classrooms, budget cuts, impatient and incompetent teachers. If my teachers can’t even post things up on time why should they expect me to do my work in a timely fashion either? I bet a lot of students are going to hand in late assignments in this class and get away with it. This is not helping anyone! We are supposed to be the future professionals of America and our educators can’t even teach us basic responsibility and accountability.

This accountability does not only apply to the way the curriculum is set. I find that many teachers have a hard time admitting their mistakes and being accountable for the material they teach. For example, I recently took a quiz in a class and answered a question according to the way it was written in the book even though my gut feeling told me the teacher wanted us to write another answer. Of course I got points off and I went to show my teacher the answer in the book. When I showed her the book, my professor honestly could not refute my argument, but she refused to give me the points as “you are correct, but don’t worry, there will be plenty of opportunities to get back points later”. I WANT MY DARN POINTS! I took the time to actually study, I knew the most accurate answer and yet I was penalized for it. If I had gone for the most logical answer instead of the most scientifically correct one I would have got a 100%.

Same thing happened last semester. I got a correct answer on a test but for some reason the professor marked it as incorrect. He did this on several other students’ papers too. When I pointed it out to him, he gave my fellow classmate, who had gotten a D on the test, her points, but he would not give them to me even though we had written the same exact answer. He told me that my test score was already high enough and there was no need for me to get more points, even though it was his mistake, not mine. Ummmmmmm, hi. It is very easy for me to just sit back and fail a 5 week Intro to Organic and Biochemistry class, trust me. Basically once again I was being punished for being a good student and for pointing out the mistake of a teacher.

Of course I know this does not only happen to me and this is not going to be the last time it happens either. Life is “unfair”. I just hope that I don’t carry these negative experiences over to other aspects of my life. I notice that many people, including myself do this. We push away our responsibilities hoping that we will be rewarded with something better. We don’t lose the weight because we are still waiting for that magic pill. We don’t marry Mr. Right because we are waiting for Mr. Perfect. We have been taught that we must be ahead of the game, but we have also been conditioned to believe that there is always something better out there if we just wait for it. What if we could actually live in this very moment (all hail Nicki Minaj), and embrace every single element of our lives, the good and the bad in one inextricably intertwined (all hail Mrs. Heyman) package. Stop waiting and start doing! Yes, there will be times when you think “What if I had waited…” and yes there are certain decisions you should definitely not jump into, but sometimes you just gotta take care of YOU. Mothers, trust me, your kids need you to take a day off to take care of yourselves. Yes, you may not end up making supper that day but in the long run you will probably be a lot more efficient and productive. Students develop a strong work ethic and study habits, yes it may be hell now, but eventually you will be rewarded for it when you get that top job. So you might have guessed by now that this post was written with a specific person in mind and you wouldn’t be incorrect in assuming so. Yes, this post was written for ME. Message received. Time to stop using this blog as a way to procrastinate, and get back to those books.

Side note- reading this over I see that I kind of jump from point to point and it is not very easy to see how I got from one point to assuming you are not one of those characters who lives inside my head. If you don’t care, then perfect. But if you are looking for clarification feel free to comment below :)

Howdy....

So here it is. The blog I have always dreamed of starting. I’m not going to lie. I’m actually pretty scared to start this for a number of reasons. The main reason I was hesitant to start this blog is that I know that at least one person out there will read at least one of my posts. Somehow they will stumble upon this blog and some of my most intimate thoughts will be completely broken down and analyzed by a stranger.  Honestly, the only reason I have a problem with this is because apparently I have an “image” to represent. Yes, I am an Orthodox Jew but I am not anybody’s role model. By speaking about a topic or voicing my thoughts I am not attempting validate or condone any way of life, behavior, or action, including my own. I’m writing this blog because I need a medium to help me vent and this seems more fun that the traditional “Lock and Key” journal.  

Another reason it took me so long to finally commit to a blog is the fact that this is going to take time. Not only is it going to take time to actually sit here and type out exactly what I’m thinking, it is also going to take time to field all those phone calls from your grandmother’s aunt’s brother-in law’s cousin about how this “beh- loh- geeng” is not good for my Neshamah (soul), family, friends, reputation, dating resume, career, health, car mileage, or whatever else you can imagine. Trust me, I don’t want to hear it. I have thought about this for a very long time and have made the conscious decision that this is what I need right now. However,  I do understand it is necessary to be cautious whenever posting private details about one’s life online. I hope that I can effectively communicate my thoughts here without compromising anyone’s identity or offending anyone. My intention here is not to be the “Perez Hilton” of the Persian or Jewish community, but rather to examine the mundane aspects of my daily routine and find a way to get a “message” for that day. I truly believe that each day has a purpose no matter how boring or typical it may be. It is up to YOU to discover the significance in your “dreary” routine. By the way, no one said your daily routine had to be dreary, but that’s another discussion for another day.  If at any time anything on this blog offends you in any way, which I don’t doubt it will, I apologize in advance. Also, if my gramatical or speling errors ofending you, I is very sory.  

See you soon!